Man of Conscience
by junienmomo
Summary: Luke ponders slowly. What's going on inside his head during this time? Check out my story People of Conscience as well to find out how others fare. BOLD text is the character, ITALIC is the conscience.
1. Kiss Her Now

Man of Conscience

Format note: **BOLD** is the character, _ITALIC_ is the conscience.

Kiss Her Now

* * *

 _Kiss her._

 **Shut up.**

 _Kiss her now._

 **Shut up now.**

 _Kiss her kiss her kiss her kiss her kiss her now._

 **I'm not listening to you anymore. I'm cleaning the counter.**

Silence ensues. The counter gets polished as he wonders how old he would be when he finally rubbed through the Formica all the way to the wood.

 _Kiss her now before you rub a hole in the Formica._

 **Very funny.**

 _Give her coffee._

 **Just what she needs, more death in a cup.**

 _Good. You're listening again. Kiss her now._

 **No. She'll run.**

 _OK._

 **OK? You're giving up easily today.**

 _Did you get that spot over there?_

 **Where?**

 _To the left._

 _A little further._

 _Now look closely._

 **I see where you're leading me.**

 _Kiss her now. All you have to do is turn your head and kiss her._

 **So not a clever maneuver.**

 _She's asking you a question._

 **I heard her. Shut up.**

 _Tell her you love her._

 **That was not her question.**

 _Yes it was, it was simply masked by the metaphor._

 **A broken porch rail is not a metaphor, it's a piece of wood.**

 _Now who's using metaphors?_

 **Not listening, going to get Bert.**

 _One of her best metaphors. She's never named any other man's anything. How long before you get a clue?_

 **You're the one without a clue. What the hell good is a conscience that doesn't understand love?**

 _I understand love fine. She loves you, you love her. The whole damn town understands love, including Rory. How can you hurt Rory like this?_

 **I would never hurt Rory!**

 _You hurt Rory every day. Her mother has to raise her alone when she doesn't really want to be alone. Who do you think talks Lorelai off the edge when you're not there?_

 **It can't be that bad. Lorelai is the strongest person I know.**

 _Being strong doesn't mean you should fight every battle alone._

 **She's not alone, she's got Rory.**

 _I wasn't talking about them._


	2. Flagellation

Man of Conscience

As always, **BOLD** is the character, _ITALIC_ is the conscience.

Flagellation

* * *

 _Look look look! There she is!_

 **I see her.**

 _She's coming in! Are you ready?_

 **Ready for what? She's a customer.**

 _Ready to kiss her and hug her and tell her you love her._

 **Not gonna happen.**

 _It might. You're looking sharp tonight._

 **I'm not looking sharp, I just wore a button-down shirt because if makes me look like a serious businessman.**

 _You are a serious businessman, too serious actually. Honestly, when was the last time you laughed?_

 **You know when.**

 _Ah yes, the last time she told you a joke. Why don't you laugh at Kirk's jokes?_

 **Kirk's jokes aren't funny.**

 _Well then, I'm just going to let you handle this next bit by yourself. Don't screw it up._

 **Thank god, peace and quiet at last.**

…

 _Not bad._

 **See what I can do without you?**

 _She thinks you're hot. And she flirted with you._

 **No she didn't, she was just being nice.**

 _She checked out your package! Didn't you notice that?_

 **No, she didn't.**

 _Yes, she did. She watched you pull your order pad out of your pants, only she wasn't looking at the order pad, it was all about Lucky Lukey._

 **Don't call it that! Don't call it anything! Geez.**

 _What? You've seen her name every inanimate object in sight. It's just a matter of time._

 **It's NOT an inanimate object!**

 _For all the use you've been getting out of it recently …_

 **Hey!**

 _Just sayin'. She said she had a flagellation to go to. That was flirting._

 **Yeah? She actually sounded a little sad.**

 _Now that would be from the flagellating, now wouldn't it?_

 **She normally only sounds like that when she'd visited her parents, but it's not a holiday.**

 _Go ask her. Then ask her out._

…

 _I can't believe you chickened out._

 **I didn't chicken out. I got distracted. Rory shouldn't be drinking coffee at her age, and it's way too late in the evening for chili fries. She'll have nightmares.**

 _You do try to take good care of them, don't you?_

 **Of course. Who wouldn't?**

 _Her mother, Rory's father, …_

 **I get the point.**

 _No you don't. You need to take care of yourself, too. Go ask her out. You need this._

 **I'm fine.**

 _You are so not fine. If you traveled by air more often, then you'd understand._

 **I don't get it.**

 _Put your own oxygen mask on first._


	3. Bass-Ackwards

Man of Conscience

As always, **BOLD** is the character, _ITALIC_ is the conscience.

Bass-ackwards

* * *

 _Well, that was bass-ackwards._

 **Just trying to make her shut up.**

 _You should have at least waited for her to answer. She might have said yes._

 **Yeah?**

 _No, you idiot! You never start a relationship by asking the girl to marry you!_

 **It was banter. I thought it was pretty funny.**

 _Is she laughing?_

 **She actually looks a little shocked.**

 _Kiss her! Kiss her now! You have the element of surprise!_

 **Too late, she's talking now. Aww, she invited me to Rory's birthday party.**

 _She invites you every year, remember?_

 **Yeah, but she doesn't have to.**

 _This is worse than those damn flowers at Thanksgiving. Buy a vase already._

 **Aww, she really wants me to come.**

 _Dirty! Kiss her now!_

 **Can't, I'm busy giving her my sexy grateful look.**

 _There is no such thing as a sexy grateful look. That was just weird._

 **I wonder if the porcelain unicorn shop is still open.**

 _Rory hates unicorns._

 **No she doesn't. She always looks so happy when I give her one.**

 _You can't tell the difference between Rory being polite and her really liking something._

 **But she said…**

 _That would be the polite part. Have you ever seen one of those unicorns when you're at the house fixing stuff?_

 **I'm way too busy to think about knick-knacks.**

 _You're way too distracted by Lorelai. You're thinking about kissing her and hugging her and telling her you love her. Why don't you fix THAT the next time you go over there?_

 **You know, anyone who has a furry alarm clock that purrs has gotta like unicorns. I'd better get to the shop while the selection is still good.**

 _You're nucking futs._

* * *

 **A/N:** If you liked bass-ackwards and nucking futs, don't forget Rindercella. Google it, you'll like it. Kudos to nzlouise for remembering.


	4. Divorce

Man of Conscience

As always, **BOLD** is the character, _ITALIC_ is the conscience.

Divorce

* * *

 _Oh my god what in the Hell were you thinking?_

 **Great, now you show up. Where were you when I needed you?**

 _On a sabbatical._

 **On a sabbatical? Why would a conscience need a sabbatical?**

 _It was a combination of things. First, there was Jess. I couldn't handle it, had to call in some experts._

 **Ahh, so that explains the weird voices in my head. They sucked, by the way. I failed him.**

 _That's outsourcing for you. Sorry._

 **Sorry doesn't help me get divorced.**

 _Here's how you get divorced: you take the damn papers, sign them and send them off. Under no circumstances do you talk to Nicole again, do you hear?_

 **I kinda got to talk to her again before I sign, I need to make sure all the paperwork is in order.**

 _That's the last thing you need to do. Let me talk you through the logic. Nicole doesn't want to get divorced, right?_

 **I gathered that, yes.**

 _Nicole's a skilled negotiator, right? She knows how to get what she wants, right?_

 **Uh, yeah. That's kinda how we got married. She kept asking questions that it was easy to say yes to, then suddenly I had said yes to getting married.**

 _You're suggesting that you take papers to the one person who doesn't want to get divorced and ask if they are ready to send off, which will result in her getting divorced, right? What do you think her answer is going to be?_

 **Oh I see your point. Guess I'd better ask a different lawyer. Hey, at least this time I talked to Lorelai about us before I went on the cruise.**

 _Talked to her?! Do you really think that was talking to her?_

 **You don't have to screech. Geez.**

 _You said, and I quote, "Really? You think that's okay considering . . . I don't know . . . everything?" Lorelai has guys hitting on her all the time. They are direct, they say what they mean. She doesn't really pick up on subtle. Did you really expect her to interpret your words as "I want to kiss you and hug you and love you and take care of you for ever and ever and not just as friends, but as that very special love relationship that can only grow when you have been best friends before." Did you really think that?_

 **Kinda, yeah. I hoped so.**

 _I've gotta apply for another sabbatical._

 **Hey, you mentioned a combination of things. What were the other things?**

 _I um, kinda had to be retrained because of my poor performance with you._

 **What did you learn?**

 _Mostly they just showed me how other consciences worked. Once they put me inside Lorelai's head._

 **Wow, I bet that was interesting. What happened?**

 _Sorry, Conscience-Client privilege. Can't talk about it._

 **I'm the client, dammit! You're my conscience, not hers. C'mon, tell me. I need all the help I can get here.**

 _Well, I can at least say this: what do you know about monkeys and underpants? Hockey pucks? Rattlesnakes?_


	5. Coffee God

Man of Conscience

As always, **BOLD** is the character, _ITALIC_ is the conscience.

Coffee God

* * *

 _I told you she would name it._

 **OK, I'll give you that one.**

 _Great name, huh?_

 **It's embarrassing. At least she didn't use the word 'little.'**

 _Feeling a little cocky, are we?_

 **I'm well-versed in the art of the double-entendre, thank you very much.**

 _By the way, that was really cute when you told her 'thank you.' Who knew that there really is such a thing as a sexy grateful look?_

 **I knew. Say what you want, I don't care. I'm in a relationship with the love of my life. Shouldn't you go away now?**

 _We both remember the last time I went away, don't we?_

 **God, never mind, stay. Just keep your mouth shut.**

 _Consciences don't really have mouths, what with us being non-corporeal and all._

 **The coffee god commands you to be silent.**

 _That didn't even work with her. What makes you think it will work with me?_


	6. The Answering Machine

Man of Conscience

As always, **BOLD** is the character, _ITALIC_ is the conscience.

The Answering Machine

* * *

 _Stop it._

 **Can't. Just one more time.**

 _Stop it now. For the hundredth time, stop it._

 **Hush. I'm busy listening.**

 _Please stop listening._

 **You never say please. Why are you saying please now?**

 _Because you lie on the sofa all night long and listen to that damn tape. You aren't getting any sleep, and that's hurting you._

 **It should hurt me. I hurt her when I didn't want to. Now she's out.**

 _You listen for 2 minutes, then you yell at yourself while it rewinds, then you do it all over again. Stop it. Please._

 **She called me her ex. All I said was I needed some time. I don't want to be her ex, I just wanted to figure this out. To figure this out, I need to listen to the tape.**

 _The tape won't help anything. She was in pain when she called you. She missed you. She needed you._

 **I went to her. All she needed to do was say that maybe one day she'd forgive me. But she called me her ex. That means she's out.**

 _Go talk to her._

 **She said that I'm out. I'm not out! When will she understand that I will never be out? I can't not love her.**

 _The tape will never understand. You have to tell her. The person, not the tape._

 **I tried when I went to fix her lock. She wasn't there and she's been avoiding me. She's like a ghost in this town.**

 _Don't give up._

 **I never said I was giving up. It's just that sometimes, while I'm waiting to find the next opportunity to talk to her, I listen to the tape. I need to hear her voice. I miss her so much it hurts.**

 _Go back to work. The opportunity will come._

 **I'm going to listen just one more time.**


	7. No Place Like Gnome

Man of Conscience

As always, **BOLD** is the character, _ITALIC_ is the conscience.

No Place Like Gnome

* * *

 **Ow! What the hell was that? I just bumped into something.**

 _It was a gnome._

 **A gnome?**

 _Like Pierpont._

 **Pierpont?**

 _The gnome with the pipe. The one in your arms._

 **Babette's got more than one gnome?**

 _Look around. See their beady little eyes? Gnomes._

 **That's a little creepy.**

 _Not as creepy as the one over there who just blinked._

 **Gnomes can't blink. They're made out of plaster.**

 _Oh, OK. Whatever you say._

 **Are you sure one blinked? Let's get this done and get out of here.**

 _I saw you look over at Lorelai's house. You're not afraid of a living-dead gnome, you're afraid she's going to come out here and mock you._

 **She'd have every right to mock me. I'm standing in Babette's yard in the middle of the night, trying to figure out where Pierpont belongs. All because the young hoodlum who lives with me thinks stealing gnomes is funny.**

 _Of course, she could come out on the porch wearing a sexy nightie, see you standing there so macho, and jump you in the middle of her front yard._

 **There is nothing macho about this moment. I'm sneaking around an old woman's yard with a gnome in my hands in the middle of the night. It could almost be interpreted as a little freaky. Anyway, she'd probably be wearing goofy pajamas, not a sexy nightie.**

 _You know that goofy pajamas turn you on, and that Lorelai's just freaky enough to appreciate the idea of gnomes in the dark. Maybe you should ring the doorbell and ask for her help._

 **No good. Rory's there, sleeping. Can't wake her up.**

 _So toss some pebbles at Lorelai's bedroom window and see if she wakes up._

 **OK. Hmm. Nothing. She must sleep like a rock.**

 _Try a rock._

 **A rock would break the window and wake Rory up, too, defeating the whole purpose.**

 _The purpose being getting Lorelai down here in the front yard to jump you?_

 **No, figuring out where Pierpont belongs.**

 _Sigh. Put the gnome down and go home, then. Maybe you can tell Lorelai tomorrow the gnome story in a sexy way and she'll want to get her freak on when she hears how wild you are._

 **Or maybe I just pour her coffee and tell her she was right about Jess.**

 _Telling her she's right and you're wrong? Now that ought to get her to jump you. Every woman loves her man telling her that._

 **Going home now. Feel free to stay here and keep watch for blinking gnomes.**

 **A/N:** Someone wrote a spicy story about the gnome, but I can't remember who. Any ideas?


End file.
